Do you remember me? I did not live here in Virginia as a child. I lived in the foot of the great San Joaquin Valley about 100 miles north of Los Angeles. I was a cute dark haired little girl with lots of red highlights and I loved Barbie Dolls. Oh yes, in my prime toy years, it was all about Barbie….. a house, car, Motor Home, swimming pool and even an airplane. Oh how I loved that airplane for I wanted to be a flight attendant one day and see all the places I could see! Yeah, now you remember! I was usually good, not too naughty. Feisty maybe, but I never naughty. I always left you two cookies and milk. There you go, now you got it! You remember!
I am grown up now and in fact I am a Mammo! I still feel so young inside. And in fact today 50 is young! I am not asking for things. I am not asking for possessions. But Santa, I need some help and I am hoping you are the man that can do it! I do have a Christmas list this year and I am calling it the “Fibromite’s Christmas List”
I don’t need things, I need some sleep: Could you add some clarity too. My brain is working overtime and it forgets and gets mixed up and I don’t know what to do. Could you sprinkle some understanding on those who I love and hold so dear. For they get so short with me and it makes me so anxious that I resort to tears. I hear not a word lest I mess up. Then swift comes the ax of strife. Why can’t I get a good word of encouragement, it would so light up my sad and dreary life. And let me harbor on that thought for it is not dreary but for this: this illness that rules every thing I do from going to church to forgetting a small shopping list. I love with abound and do for others without judgement of their beliefs. Yet an illness that renders my brain to embers sends in the judgement police. It is a dangerous game when your heart is on a string and your life is has so little to gain and you feel your love is in vain. So Mr. Claus I implore, a miracle or perhaps more. I need your help and I am out of time, please do this for me and I won’t ask anything else for all time.
Loved ones dote on other people. They hold them in role model esteem. While I try so hard to be perfect. But fall flat on my face at everything. Dearest Santa, I need motivation, for my life is dismal at best. I hurt all the time, I need a new spine and my gut feels like it is having a fit. The smallest of things like cleaning the kitchen, are big triumphs to me, so don’t you see? Dearest Santa my list is quite simple. But I will list it one at a time anyway. And yes, I do realize the list repeats itself in a few places. It is my way of saying, “I REALLY need this!”:
- Love, Understanding and Empathy From My Loved Ones (especially when I ‘mess up’)
- To Quit Having To ‘Prove’ my Fibromyalgia at every turn. I cannot believe this is still happening in this day and age after nearly twenty years!
- A LOT Less Headaches
- Resolution or at least Treatment of my “Gut Issues” that hold me hostage many times
- Normal Sleep Patterns
- A better memory
- Once in a while could the people that only comment on my Face Book when I make a mistake press the “Like” button or make a positive / nice comment. Just once in a while.
- More Understanding of when I get mixed up; acknowledging the good as well as the bad. I am a human being too! I need love too! I need thought and caring too! Sometimes I feel like a problem and this is a very dangerous thought process for a fibromite. 🙁
- Normal and Restful Sleep Patterns
- My disability to finally be out of appeals. Mr Claus, you know the story. 🙁
- Some much needed rest for Paul
- Did I mention, a better memory?
- People that only comment on mistakes or to debate me on Facebook actually occasionally “Like” or have positive feedback….. it is heartbreaking to only get negative.
- Did I mention more understanding? I think I might have
And of course, The Biggie: LESS PAIN
Oh and this is for society as a whole, and not so much as a personal, but I want to throw it in: more forgiveness and less grudge holding. This is the most unforgiving, “I will debate you until dawn because I am right”, unforgiving society in existence. And it is sad. We all have passions, opinions, voices and ways we approach things. That is the beauty of living in a free society. If we all expect the next person to agree with ‘our train of thought’ then we would all be mindless drones. So Santa, more empathy there too, if you would kind sir.
Mr Claus I appreciate your time and trouble and sure hope you can make your magic work. I know the list is stacked and the goals set high. And moving others’ hearts is a tall order to comply. If anyone can do it, you are the one who can. Letting others know of our plight and the reality of our walk is a difficult thing to do. I call Fibromyalgia the leprosy of modern times because it has such a cruel stigma, so Santa, please, 1 dash of help for me and a whole bucket load of empathy and understanding on those in our lives that just quite do not get how bad it really is for us. We hide it well. You see, I love them all so much it hurts and I have worked so hard to become a woman I like but fear no one sees it under the layers of the Fibro, spine injuries/disease in my neck and lower back and list that is far too long to take up your time with.
I will leave it with this song that is one of my favorites. I think it says it all. It may not be about having a chronic illness that is not just pain…. but so much more. But the point is pretty much the same. Thank you Mr Claus and we all love you and the spirit you represent. You still, at age 50, make this girl smile! Merry Christmas! And a Happy New year! Until next time, K.