If you stumble in this life, you will spend the rest of it ‘proving’ to those you stumbled in front of that you can now ‘walk’. Trust me, I know where of I speak. It does not matter how sorry you are for the stumble you took and how hard you work on molding your life into something that you are proud of; someone will be there always whispering in your ear what a dismal disappointment you are or what a colossal failure you have turned out to be for one reason or the other. If that someone has a person or persons that resent you constantly jabbing their side with snide comments about you, it will be as if you steal groceries from a little old ladies. The saying the ‘punishment does not fit the crime’ was never more true in this particular instance. Sadly, the people doing the snide jabbing usually are ones that think their hypothetical ‘poo’ does not stink. I say, “whatever”. Karma will set them straight soon enough and in fact from my birds eye view, it already is in some instances. But what about you…. what about your efforts? What about all the time and work you put in to being a better you; a more improved you? If you have Fibromyalgia and/or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome…. something these ‘snide giving, jab givers’ like to chime in is ‘not real’ or simply in ‘her/his head’ (still stuck in barbaric thinking, again, “whatever”… Karma and all that), what can you do? You can completely undo a nerve block that should have lasted about two to three times as long. You can sit up all night and cry and worry. You can let it eat on you until you are physically sick. Or, you can let it be. People are going to think what they think. I should know, I was in a totally different mindset even as little as a decade or two ago than I am right now. Oh to have had the wisdom at twenty or thirty years that I have now! How wonderful that would have been. Now all I have is one MOTHER of a painful condition, the natural aging process on top of that, General Anxiety Disorder and a bunch of people that just do not get it. So I continue to strive to be perfect. Having a medical condition that most people at best, think is a product of not ‘pushing through it’, is a challenge enough. Can a car push ‘through it’ when it is out of gas? Tell your car that the next time you are on the side of the road because you thought you could just make it ‘one more mile’ to the gas station. That big pile of metal is not going anywhere until it has gasoline in it. Fuel. Petrol. Whatever you want to call it. It has to have the energy to make it ‘go’. We with Fibro/CFS/ME/Lupus/MS and the whole other spectrum of connective tissue/auto-immune illnesses know too well what it is like to ‘run out of gas’. My husband Paul had seen it too many time. He also knows, when we are out, reassuring me that foot and shoulder rubs are awaiting me in my near future. When all I can focus on is getting through my door and into my PJ’S to flop down on my couch…. he is cheering me on like a coach would cheer a crumbling team down by 30 points to just get them through the rest of the game. But still, I try to be perfect.
I know I sent Santa my Christmas List but I need to add one more thing to that. Please Santa, I really need this one!
Santa, I need people to quit holding me up to unrealistic standards. This goes for normal things. I am not always going to say or do the exact ‘right’ thing. Who does? Is every single person perfect? No. That includes me. Physically: I cannot do what the ‘average’ person can do. I cannot do much of anything. On most days I am doing good to shower, get a load of laundry done and a simple dinner. I can only stand in 30-45 min increments. I am so glad Kroger has gift cards now for every store under the roof, that means I do not have to try and venture out to this store and that store. But what about me? What I want does not cost money. I just want people to understand my plight. Understanding does not mean someone expecting me to travel to where they live when they have a fraction of the medical problems I do, a confined area of chronic pain as opposed to pain everywhere and as far as I know no severe (as in out of my head, in tears, in a ball in the couch) pain from the spine. Yet their pain prevents them from traveling the same distance? It is OK. I will never question someone in pain. I know too well what that is like and you will never find me going there. So where have I failed in explaining how grave my situation is, here? And yes, there are other issues but other issues aside, if there were no other problems to contend with, my physical state would still be the one thing that would prevent me from traveling that distance. Obviously I am failing to communicate.
So Santa, please, can you make me perfect in the eyes of those who want me to be? And if you can’t, can you sprinkle some understanding, a few doses of empathy and a large dose of holding me to the same standards as any other human being? Because one thing I know in talking to literally hundreds of people, of the many mistakes I have made, I am not the only one to have made them… and many have made worse. The key is, my heart and my effort. That should speak volumes. A kinder, more loving heart you will not find; even in a body that never, ever feels good.
Happy Holidays to all. May your Holidays be peaceful and loving and may your New Year be blessed. I think I will give myself the gift of allowing myself to be human. If people truly love me, they will finally see I am doing my best, I am trying my hardest and I live in agony everyday. But I put on one heck of a game face. Fibromites and fellow chronic pain warriors, I know you do too! Love and soft hugs to all. Until next time. K.