Poem: The Monster In Me




I wrote a little poem. After my 5,000+ words post on Fibro awareness and all the research that entailed, my brain…. and all its fog…… needed a little break. So in anticipation of my next full post, “The Lite Side Of Fibro: If You Don’t Laugh, You Won’t Stop Crying”, I decided to let my fingers go to town and write this poem.




I do dabble in poetry and when I do it is usually pretty heavy. Typically therapeutic, poetry has been a good catalyst for me in many ways to sort out and deal with pitfalls and tragedies in my life. I believe fibromyalgia or the taking of ones ‘spunk’ would count as a ‘tragedy’ so here you go,



The Monster Inside Of Me

What is this monster that lives in me, it steals so much of my life away and causes misery
It comes to me as pain and fatigue, it comes as a stomach crushing with a fit of rage

It plays on my skin like pins and needles, it grabs my head as if it were in a vice grip on a carpenters table
What is this horror story my life has come to be, of nights without sleep but I need sleep more than I ever have, will slumber ever come?
Now I have a repeat nightmare to chase away: Will that ever go away?

What is this light so bright and smell so overwhelming? Every fiber I feel sends shocks up my skin that send me yelling
Sounds and smells, Bright lights and crowds; it is all too much to take, when your senses have no brakes

Many family and friends think I am attention seeking , if they could just be me for a day, they would know the true overwhelming pain and collateral damage this monster is wreaking
Judgment and stigma would be removed, if they only knew what it is really like
To sit up in the long hours of the black of the night; alone and in pain but not a noise I can make

The time I spend curled in a ball with a hot pack as my best friend
My partner in life who shares this hell and carries the weight of life’s responsibilities and demands
This monster dictates my life and I should not have to prove it, but alas! I do, I have this horrible condition and I hope it never finds you!

What is this rasp upon my voice? What are these aches in my fingers and toes? What is this ache? Down my arms they go! Oh No! The dreaded flare!
Now the pain is amplified and the senses multiplied; the pain is horrifying to the point you want to die. No hope left in your soul and you have nowhere to go.
As if the monster wasn’t enough, it flares its ugly head and gets worse
It feels as if you are walking with heavy balls chained to your legs, it feels as if you have been beaten to a pulp

Will this monster ever ease, will the stigma ever stop? Will there be awareness and compassion and a cure, I pray! I hope and pray that someday, someday….. this horrible monster will go far, far away
For inside me is a girl with a colorful, bohemian twirl
I want to frolic in fields of flowers and dance in the sun
I want to hike up great mountains and chase the sun into the night
I want to play in the ocean, running in the tide

If my body could do what my soul is feeling, I would be unstoppable
A firecracker
No one could keep up with me

But the monster wins each battle, each and every time
It is a force I cannot reckon with so I hope in time,
There is cure, a treatment ….. something to help
Because I have a lot of living left to do, the monster may win the battle, but it will not win the war



Until Next time, K.   

11 thoughts on “Poem: The Monster In Me

  1. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, your poem describes me to a T!!!

    • Heidi, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I am so, so sorry you suffer. I know RA is a terrible thing. I know many people who suffer with this. At least we all can share the bond ‘together’ and we know the path each other takes. It may not help, but it does serve to comfort. Blessings to you. <3 K.

  2. Hi kelli, my name is shelly bolton and i am an author and editor for a small publishing company in tx, and also a fibro fighter. Back in february my first book was published (“Fibromyalgia:A Guide to Understanding the Journey” available on amazon, but i would be happy to send you a pdf copy of it- just send me an email telling me what email address to send it to), and i am excited to have a few more projects in the works. My pet project right now is a book that will be a compilation of material from other fibromites. It will contain life stories, diagnosis stories and other stories of fibro journeys (some told by the fighters themselves, and others for which they have simply sent me their info in the form of answers to a questionnaire and i have used that to tell their stories, all with their complete permission of course), as well as some poetry and other such material. I am super excited about this book, which i am hoping to complete and have ready for publishing by the end of summer. After coming across your blog, i saw your poem and thought you might be willing to contribute it or other writings of yours (including your fibro journey story if you care to tell it) to be included in the book. I leave it up to my contributors how they wish for their material to be credited- some wish to remain anonymous, while others want their first name, or even their full name and sometimes even a mention of their website or blog. If you or any of your readers care to participate in this project you can email me at the email i put in the top with my name info, or at fibromyalgiajourney@gmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you!

  3. Hi Kelli, I want to thank you for your writings, so good, enjoy, heartfelt. Your writing is a blessing for me. I was told 10 years ago that I have fM but I did not want it or believe that I had it. Well I have started having major flares ( it told me)lol. Now I find my self going to the dr and saying you were right and I can not deal with it on my own anymore. So I need so help and I am sure he will be there for more. Kelli I want you to know that you have really helped me and I know you have helped other people. I hope you find this post in a comfortable place and God Bless you.. Kelle

    • Kelle,

      Thank you for reading the blog and I am so happy that you have found some solace in reading my “outlet”…. but also a higher cause, to reach out to those who both suffer from fibro and those who need a better understanding. I know ‘hearing’ you have this is crushing. When I got diagnosed I was barely in my 30’s, had 4 young daughters and they barely knew anything about fibro. It was even called ‘fibrositis’ in some circles. Things like fibrofog, sensory overload and fibro related insomnia, anxiety and depression… along with so much more… did not even exist. This was in 1996 (though symptoms started in 1993) and in a highly esteemed hospital in San Diego, CA. My how things have changed. So there is hope and only in our fervent effort to keep awareness forefront and keep educating others on what life is like for ‘us’ will things continue to evolve. Much work is left to be done, but I am not going anywhere! Hang in there and God Bless you! 🙂 Kelli

    • Thank you so much! Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing and I am so sorry you have suffered for 30 years. I am only in it for 20 years and some days want to hang my hat. But I just keep on keeping on because that is what we do! Thank you again! 🙂

  4. Thank you for writing your poem, The Monster in Me. I have had probably all my life but only diagnosed in the early eighties. Well one good thing about insomnia…it gets the creative juices flowing. God Bless You and all those afflicted.

    • Thank you Liz. I am so sorry you have suffered so long. God Bless you and I hope we get this thing licked! I hope and pray for a cure, everyday! <3

  5. Your words speak such truth. If you wash your hair and dab a bit of make up just to make you feel better about your self. “Boy you must be feeling good today” While washing your hair it feels you are scrubbing with a toilet brush and it was going on the 3rd week since your hair had been shampooed. It had to be done. But you’re back among the living. Pain should glow in a purple light. So you wouldn’t have to explain.

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